Have you ever ...

Have you ever ask yourself why things happen ? Why they happen all at once and everything pile up like a moutain . 

Have you ever wonder why do they leave at a time like this ? Why they left without any reason and leave u hanging there ; helplessly . 

Have you ever dreamt about things that you know will never , ever happen ? Why do we even have such thoughts?  

We have so much questions . Yet, the only way to find the answers is to search deep within ourself . Its hard to find something that is burried over all the pain and unhappiness that you kept in your heart . It was never easy trying to change or delete those emotions and pain . 

" Your the main character of your own story , You control the pages and the Chapters " . Each chapters tells a story , a story never known to others but only to ones' self . 

" i've lost the moon while counting the stars "

Sometimes i have thoughts of giving up , my friends never know what i am thinking , they never know what i will do . But some how it was always those closest to me that made me say things i never wanted . Someone told me i was strong , that i am always so happy and positive . I wish i am like this , but sadly ; i am the opposite . The outer character shows people what i want them to see . However , the inner character are only seen by my family or my close friends ( 1-2 of them ) . 

They said those who canportray different kind of characters are those who are strong , a strong will power and a strong personality. Don't anyone felt this way too ?

I ain't no super-hero . 

Outward Bound Singapore

On 29 july -2nd August 

I when for my OBS camp. It was the best camp i ever been to . I would rather stay there then to come back to Singapore. I would rather be with my watch then to go back to school . I would rather get bitten by more sand flies then to come back and face reality . 

With my 35 other school mates

this was before OBS starts ( we are so white)

after OBS ( so unwilling to go home)

With my watch ; Columbus .

I miss them so much. It's been almost a month but it feels like months not seeing them. In fact ; i miss the times where we talk about almost everything , under the starry night sky , in a circle . Forgetting about all the worries we had back in singapore , Forgetting about the stress back in school. 

YOU GAVE ME FAITH IN MY DARKEST DAYS AND FOR THAT , Thank you

During the darkest period of lives , we all need to be conforted by friends or people around you. For that i am thankful fot each of my friends who put in effort to make me smile when i was so depress over matters which always make me so stresss out. You guys are the best and for that thank you so much. 

 

What if i found someone new but fall asleep to the thought of you?

We all lose people in life . Those who left either gave up or forgotten . Those who stay through the tough times are meant to stay. However , Those who left , either with a reason or so. Left with unspoken words , leave without a trace 

" Some things are best to be left unspoken " 

I wish you never left my life , if only you stayed with me and love me for who i was . 

You saw the darkest parts of me and the brightest part that make me who i was . But Why Did You Leave Me now ? Why?

Why did you leave me hanging alone ?

" It will be alright " ; they said .

People just dont understand how you feel at times when you try to share your feelings with them.

 Even when you're hiding something , you hope they could help solve your problems without telling them in detiled.

Well, some times giving up always seem like the best choice ; in fact , it's the only choice . 

" Every thing will be okay soon " they said . 

But how soon will it be ? One day? One month? One year ? Or never ?

Let's just say that i wouldn't trust or believe what others say now , nor i will tell them what i feel exactly . They dont care when they act like they do. It's all total bullshit. 

My life is Bullshit 

Fears that haunt me

Fears - Fear is an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events.

We all have fears, some have a way to deal with them ; others dont . In fact , I always tried to avoid my fears in everyway possible . 

1) Acrophobia ; fears of height

-  I hate heights . I would never look down from any building that is more than 4 Stories high. And yes , i hated high elements and i almost cried when i had to do a high element course at OBS , 7M high if i am not wrong . I literally shake like shit when i was at the top and i have not even started the course . It all begin when i watch a korean movie outside CD rama 5 years ago . It was about a tsunami attack that lead to many death and bulidling collasping . Watching that short 2 mins part made me fear heights ever since . I know its stupid . HAHAHAHA but i really hate heights and i stay on the first floor . AHAHHAHAAAAA. 

2) Coulrophobia; Fear of Clowns - ugly people with white faces and one big ass red nose . 

- I have no idea why would someone love clowns . Maybe their passion for comedy ? Or their love for them. I have no idea but they scare the shit out of me . I never like clowns and i never will . I dont know why and maybe their face just remind me of something ???!!! They just scare me . pfffffftttt. 

3) Losing people 

- I do not want to lose any one in my life , not my friends or my family. They meant the world to me . I allow you to come in to my life. why? Trusting you not to leave me despite the circumstanances . 

Having a coke with you ; Frank O'Hara

Having a Coke with You
Frank O’Hara

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz,
     Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier
     St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for
     yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and
     statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything
     as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front
     of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in
     the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s
     in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together
     the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care
     of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that
     used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when
     the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider
     as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you
     about it

"To love is to give someone the power to destroy you yet trust that they wont "

What is love ?

What does it feel like to be love ? 

What does it felt like being in love ? 

What does it feel like loving someone ?

“It’s like coming home after a long trip. That’s what love is like. It’s like coming home.”

Piper Chapman - What is love?

“People say that love is blind. They say that when you fall in love, you see the person perfectly, flawless even.
But that doesn’t make any sense. LUST is when you see someone perfectly. Its when you try to be perfect for them too.
LOVE is when you fall for someone because you think they are perfect, and when you realize they aren’t; you love them even more. Love is when you know they aren’t perfect but you love them anyway. 
That’s the difference between lust and love. That’s how you know if its love.”

Once i was in love . It felt like heaven . For a moment i did not want to leave . For once i felt loved . For a while it was lovely to felt his presence. When u look at him in the eye , U see sparks in his eye sparking bright like the stars in the night sky. U will never get tired by look at his face . When he smiles , it just warms your heart . Like hot chocolate melting in your mouth. It was like seeing a young girl smiling so brightly for the first time after receiving a lollipop . He was once the world to me . No. he wasn't the world to me. He was my world . The one who stood by me all the while , throughout 2 years . If you ask me " do u regret wasting 2 years of your life with him ?" . I would say no. I wasn't wasting time , it was heaven . Yes we fight almost every time , but there were times where we both love each other deeply. 

He was my first love . He was everything i ever wanted . He was the light of my path. But he once was my boyfriend whom i love . I know i hardly show love to you. I am bad at expressing my love for you . But you have to know that you made me the happiest girl . You showed me that the world isn't that bad after all. Being loved by someone was so lovely . Its indescribable . 

" Its a privilege to have my heart broken by you "

" You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world ,but you havesome say in who hurts you "

We all have our comfort zones . Sometimes when we were out of our comfort zones we become another person. Quietly we drift away from our friends . Slowly we change within ourself , slowly we isolate our feelings and slowly we hide the scars within us . Many ask why , why made us change but they will never know what we gone through during this period . 

Lets say i was once cheerful and happy. I hardly cry last time . Now i broke down so easily , sometimes even over the little things in life . I really wish i was stronger . I really do. Its hard to not be able to live up to expectations. But i am still grateful , for those who stand by me throughout everything. You guys were the best that i ever had.  To the one who i once loved. You were once someone i treasured . I  sorry our story came to an end , if given a  chance i would start over but u seem happier now and i am still thankful for the memories that you have given me when we were together . To my friends, You have been the best , You gave me strength when i needed it the most, You made me feel love when i with u , You never fail to put a smile on my face when i was sad. Lastly you guys were there at my lowest and were also there at my happiest moments . 

I never thought i would meet these people , i feel i don't deserve them at times . But they stayed , still. I love them. 

God, Given a chance i would love them more , i would even want to make them happy and give them many memories that they have given me . Please know i would give up anything for you guys . 

Not too sure why i am talking about my friends , but they represent me in different ways .

Xoxo